Obama 50: Pros and Cons

"OBAMA TURNING 50"


PRO: Barack Obama's birthday is next week!

CON: Donald Trump wants proof.


PRO: Our nation's president is turning the big 5-0!

CON: Our nation's debt is turning the big 5-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0!


PRO: Obama said he wants a debt ceiling deal for his birthday.

CON: But if that fails, he'll settle for a gift card to Outback Steakhouse.


PRO: Obama's birthday guests will get to play all his favorite party games.

CON: Like "Pin the debt on our grandchildren."


PRO: Being 50 should not affect Obama's performance in the White House.

CON: But just to be safe, he's stocking up on Viagra.


PRO: Even the Republicans got Obama a gift.

CON: All of their 2012 presidential candidates.


PRO: Obama says he's not going through any mid-life crisis.

CON: The presidential limo is now a red Mazda Miata.


PRO: Obama blew out the candles and made a wish.

CON: When he opened his eyes, Biden was still there.


PRO: At his party, Obama opened the door and 100 people jumped up and yelled "Surprise!!!"

CON: The Secret Service shot 12 of them.

Leno: More David Wu Jokes

JAY LENO: There is a new tiger on the endangered species list. Take a look.



There you go. That is a United States congressman.

Fifty-six-year-old Oregon Congressman David Wu now coming under fire for allegedly making unwanted advances towards a teenage girl. Is that why he's dressed like a tiger? How young are these girls? Where's he picking 'em up? Chuck E. Cheese? What is that? How creepy is that?

Well, now Congressman Wu is being forced to resign. So the moral of this story: Never try to 'Wu' a much younger woman. OK?

These congressmen are out of control. You know, he didn't want to resign. He was fighting it, but after what he did last night, I'm sure you saw it. Well, maybe you missed it. Here take a look.



It's got to stop.

Letterman: Signs You're Hot Top Ten

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE TOO DAMN HOT

10. You were just named People magazine's "sweatiest man alive"

9. For you, business casual means a necktie and underpants

8. You begged Rupert Murdoch to hack into a Dairy Queen

7. You were caught texting photos of your heat rash

6. Your sunburns have sunburns: Kids, remember, Dave says wear sunscreen

5. Your baby daughter's first word: "clammy"

4. Your sweat is sweating -- Kids, remember, Dave says drink plenty of liquids

3. Instead of the maid, you're spending time with the pool boy (Schwarzenegger only)

2. Every now and then your ass sizzles and smells like bacon

1. You sit through a taping of the Late Show just for the air conditioning

Late Show with David Letterman
July 21, 2011

Herman Cain: Pizza and Gospel Music

Obama: Bad Joke

Watch this:

OBAMA: That's a joke.

Not too smooth.

I get the feeling Obama felt entitled to laughter, a "Don't you know who I am?" situation.

After all, he's the president. When he tells a joke, people better laugh.

When a friendly audience stops fawning, Obama has to know the thrill is gone.

Bristol Palin and Jay Leno (Video)

Bristol Palin was Jay Leno's guest on Thursday's Tonight Show. She was promoting her book, Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far.

Don Rickles was also on the show. He was the first guest and remained during Bristol Palin's segment.

While Leno interviewed Bristol, Rickles was interjecting his comedy/commentary here and there.

The camera frequently caught Rickles mugging and rolling his eyes.

Sometimes, he was mocking Leno. At other times, he was reacting to Bristol.

Here's video:

Part 1: Bristol Palin talks about her new chin and her mom, Sarah Palin, running for President.

Part 2:Bristol Palin talks about new reality show and living with two guys.

It's funny how Palin haters responded to the interview on Twitter. They expressed their pleasure at Bristol being ridiculed by Rickles, as well as voicing their own insults.

Watching the segment, I found Rickles to be relatively restrained. He made fun of Leno's stupid questions. It's not as if he were on a mission to attack her.

In general, Leno treated Bristol with respect, and Rickles was being Rickles.

There was no real cruelty.

Nothing like the sort of stuff that David Letterman does.

Justin Bieber and Jimmy Fallon: Someday

Justin Bieber has a new fragrance - Someday.

Jimmy Fallon lends a hand in helping promote it.

Watch the ad here.

Worst Summer Vacation

Jimmy Fallon: Weiner Song

On Thursday's Late Night, Jimmy Fallon performed a song he composed in honor of disgraced DEMOCRAT Congressman Anthony Weiner.

From the Late Night blog:

Tonight Jimmy busts out the guitar and sings a farewell ode to Anthony Weiner! It's been a long, hard journey, but he finally petered out.

"The Ballad of Anthony Weiner"

Delta Airlines Military Baggage

Delta Airlines is trying to work its way out of a PR disaster.

The company saw heavy criticism on Wednesday when it charged 34 soldiers returning from Afghanistan as much as $2,800 in baggage fees. Delta changed the policy a day later following public outrage sparked by a video posted on YouTube by two of the soldiers.

Delta released a statement on Thursday publicly apologizing for any miscommunication regarding its policies and for any inconveniences it may have caused. After reviewing the situation, the airline decided it would allow troops to check four bags for free instead of three.

Here's a Delta commercial that sums up the situation, via the Tonight Show with Jay Leno:

Leno: Weiner Jokes, June 10

DEMOCRAT Anthony Weiner is getting no mercy from late night comedians.

This is the fifth night of a Weiner dominated monologue from Jay Leno.

JAY LENO: A company called 'iTouchless' has come out with a kitchen trash can that opens automatically when it senses you approaching. It opens by itself when you come near it. Congressman Anthony Weiner has a pair of pants using the same technology.

I've never done this, but this whole taking a picture of your crotch thing, you know -- I mean when you're taking a picture of your penis, before you press the button on the camera, do you still say 'Cheese'?

Well, as you know, Congressman Weiner said it's only been six women over the past few years. But you know, this is not new. These problems go way back. We were able to obtain some footage of Congressman Weiner when he was back in high school. Now this is disturbing. I apologize for the quality, but here, take a look.

(Clip from 'Saved by the Bell' dubbed with 'Weiner')



But Weiner said today again he is not resigning. And if there's one thing we about this guy he knows how to stand firm. So, he is not resigning.

There's a million of these jokes. We could do them all day.

In fact, his new campaign slogan: 'Hey, as seen on Twitter. Yeah, come on, vote for me.'

It was also announced this week, he's going to be a father. Let's just hope he doesn't name the kid 'Seymour.' That's the worst name you could possibly come up with. But enough about that.

Anyway, the show Extra gave an exclusive look of the inside of Anthony Weiner's condominium in New York City. And you could tell there were problems in the house. Here's the story.

(Clip Weiner's condo and his cat posing in revealing positions, cat also known for posting provocative pictures on Twitter)



These animals copy us.

Tracy Morgan: Anti-Gay

Tracy Morgan, comedian, says outrageous things.

During an appearance at the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville, Morgan said some shocking things.

Kevin Rogers was at Morgan's performance on June 3rd and provides the following account:

WARNING * OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE AND CONTENT * WARNING

So tonight was the night, Tracy Morgan in the hallowed halls of the Ryman Auditorium.

... I have very thick skin when it comes to humor; I can dish and I can take. What I can't take is when Mr. Morgan took it upon himself to mention about how he feels all this gay s--t was crazy and that women are a gift from God and that "Born this Way" is bulls--t, gay is a choice, and the reason he knows this is exactly because "God don't make no mistakes" (referring to God not making someone gay cause that would be a mistake). He said that there is no way a woman could love and have sexual desire for another woman, that's just a woman pretending because she hates a f---ing man. He took time to visit the bulls--t of this bullying stuff and informed us that the gays needed to quit being pussies and not be whining about something as insignificant as bullying. He mentioned that gay was something kids learn from the media and programming, and that bullied kids should just bust some ass and beat those other little f---ers that bully them, not whine about it. He said if his son that was gay he better come home and talk to him like a man and not [he mimicked a gay, high pitched voice] or he would pull out a knife and stab that little N (one word I refuse to use) to death. He mentioned that Barack Obama needed to man up and quit being all down with this just because he has a wife and two daughters. All of this being followed by thunderous cheer and "You go Tracys". Tracy then said he didn't f---ng care if he pissed off some gays, because if they can take a f---ing d--k up their ass... they can take a f--ing joke.

The sad thing is that none of this rant was a joke. His entire demeanor changed during that portion of the night. He was truly filled with some hate towards us. As far as I could see 10 to 15 people walked out. I had to fight myself to stay seated, but I knew if I got up... he won. He wanted to piss people off and get a rise. I didn't let him win by chasing me off, he surely didn't get any applause or laughter from me after that point - mainly because he was no longer funny to me. I wasn't holding back, it just wasn't funny. I won't even get started on his rant about how women should be home cooking him a f---ing meal and not becoming CEOs or him talking about f---ing the moms of retards.

So, did Morgan deliver an evening of humor or hate speech?

Is it funny to say that he would stab his son to death if he were gay?

I don't think so.

Apparently, some people found Morgan's comments so offensive that they walked out. This reaction was by far the exception.

I wonder what Morgan was trying to accomplish. What was the point?

Not having personally witnessed his performance, it's hard to judge. I don't want to be unfair.

However, if Rogers' account is remotely accurate, I'm surprised people didn't boo and/or walk out en masse, rather than allegedly responding with "thunderous cheers."

The audience was warned in advance that Morgan would be delivering adult entertainment:

Tracy Morgan isn’t the first comedian to play The Ryman — Jon Stewart, Jim Gaffigan and Brian Regan have all performed in the Mother Church in recent years — but by a wide margin he’s the filthiest. Morgan has cultivated a reputation for being explicitly vulgar on stage, to the point that walkouts have been reported in multiple cities. Late last year, a comedy club in Denver issued a warning to ticketholders in advance of Morgan’s show, saying that it’s “very, very dirty” and is “the most extreme in nature that we can possibly express.” In short, don’t expect Astronaut Jones or Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet — or even Tracy Jordan, Morgan’s not-so-veiled stand-in on 30 Rock. This is Tracy Morgan, unrestrained and earning that ever-so-rare Ryman “mature audience only” title.

_______________

UPDATE: Tracy Morgan apologizes for homophobic rant

Shortly after his on-stage rant went viral, Morgan issued a mea culpa for his actions.

"I want to apologize to my fans and the gay & lesbian community for my choice of words at my recent stand-up act in Nashville," the "30 Rock" star said in a statement to Gossip Cop. "I'm not a hateful person and don't condone any kind of violence against others."

"While I am an equal opportunity jokester, and my friends know what is in my heart, even in a comedy club this clearly went too far and was not funny in any context," he added.

...But Morgan's apology wasn't enough for GLAAD, whose president said Morgan needs to "assure us that this won't happen again and send a clear message to Americans that anti-gay violence is no joke."

Jarrett Barrios said his organization invited Morgan to meet with families who have lost children to anti-gay violence.

"If Tracy Morgan is sincere, he should take us up on meeting these families who have lost loved ones to the type of violence that he is mocking," Barrios said. "Perhaps by hearing their stories, he will learn that while we all love humor, this is no laughing matter."

Rea Carey, the executive director of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, said that "hateful, homophobic language is not only hurtful and unfunny, it is also dangerous and inexcusable."

"It should not and will not be tolerated," she added.

Leno: More Weiner Jokes

DEMOCRAT Anthony Weiner is still starring in Jay Leno's monologue.

Brett Favre, Eliot Spitzer, and Bill Clinton are also playing roles.

Jokes from Thursday's Tonight Show:

JAY LENO: It was so hot in Washington, everyone was sitting around in their underwear like Congressman Weiner. He finally felt at home.

Oh man, that story! Oh, please! This is the story that just won't go away. It gets worse and worse. You've probably seen this. It now seems there's a picture going around the Internet of Congressman Weiner's naked penis. And you can tell it's him because it looks just like him, you know? You know, if he was bald. I mean, you can see the resemblance.

Let me tell you how graphic this picture is. Even Brett Favre won't return his calls now. That's how bad... it's terrible.

You know, I mean, I don't understand taking... how many photos of his crotch did he take? You know, I don't have any photos of my crotch. I mean, I've got a couple of oil paintings, some sketches, sure, a couple of charcoals, but I mean, you know, I don't, really... No, it's awful.

See, I don't understand the way Washington works. Now explain this to me: We are not allowed to see bin Laden's death photo because it's too explicit; but our Congressman's penis, that's fine.

Well, the latest news is that Congressman Weiner's wife is pregnant. I'll tell you how creepy this is: When his wife first called to tell him she was pregnant, he said, 'Uh, who is this?'

Well, you know who married Weiner and his wife? Bill Clinton. In fact, Weiner called Bill Clinton and apologized. See that's when you know you have a problem, OK, when your sexual behavior has offended Bill Clinton. That's where you just go, 'OK, time to draw the line.'

Well, more and more people are now calling for Anthony Weiner to resign. But it's not all bad news. Eliot Spitzer said if Weiner does resign, he can join him on his show and they'll call it 'Weiner Spitzer.'

How many people feel he should resign?

(Audience applauds)

How many people feel he's doing a good job and this has nothing to do with his job?

(Little audience applause)

Interesting, interesting.

Now, as I said, Weiner is adamant now about not resigning. In fact, CNN caught up with him today on the streets and they talked to him. Here, take... here's the interview:

(Clip of actual CNN video, followed by video with CNN audio)



I don't want to see that member of Congress, OK? Thank you.

Leno: More Anthony Weiner Jokes

It's Day Three of Anthony Weiner jokes on the Tonight Show.

JAY LENO: Well, yesterday, President Obama welcomed German Chancellor Angela Merkel to the White House. One embarrassing moment when Merkel got a phone call from a certain New York congressman, asked if she'd like to see his Wiener Schnitzel. That was really bad.

This is not good folks. Congressman Weiner has admitted he did carry on an explicit online relationship with six different women. Well, he thought they were women. Turns out three were women, one was a guy pretending to be a woman, and the other two were other congressmen. He had no idea. They were talking to each other.

Now it turns out one of the women that Weiner was sexting with is a porn star, a porn star. I mean, how bad... one minute, you're a respected member of Congress, the next minute you're competing for skanks with Charlie Sheen. What is that? What is that? Horrible.

And you know, you say to yourself, people wonder why did he engage in such reckless behavior. You know, if you want people to check out your crotch, go to the airport and go through security like everybody else.

And of course, Weiner now desperately trying to make things better with his wife. And you know, you can tell he's sorry. Like today, he sent her a picture of his penis with a little sad face on it.

Jimmy Fallon: Anthony Weiner

On Tuesday's Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Rep. Anthony Weiner apologized to his staff.

Here's video:

Leno: Anthony Weiner Jokes

UPDATE: Anthony Weiner jokes from Wednesday's Tonight Show.
_________________

From Tuesday's Tonight Show with Jay Leno:

JAY LENO: According to TMZ, the day after First Lady Michelle Obama unveiled the new USDA guide to healthy eating, President Obama was spotted in Ohio eating two chili dogs... That's two politicians this week getting in trouble for their wieners.

What a story this is! Yesterday, Congressman Anthony Weiner, now known of course as the 'peter tweeter,' that's who he is now. Well, he held a big press conference at a hotel in New York City where he admitted to everything. Did you see him standing in front of that microphone? I think it was a microphone.

See, this is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days with Sen. Larry Craig? You had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he's in, knock on the door. Now they send it right to your house. It's fantastic!

Well, you know this was gonna happen. A second woman has come forward now, and she says she has over 200 explicit sex text messages from the married congressman. She says they're very short messages, you know, like cocktail wieners. They're the smaller...

Anyway, yesterday, Weiner said he wanted to apologize to his constituents, especially the really hot ones. He feels bad about that. But he said there were six girls in three years, but he never had sex with any of them. Six girls, three years, and no sex -- Do you know what I call that? High school. OK? That was high school. That was high school for me.

And his wife, I guess his beautiful wife, Huma, she's a beautiful woman, if you've seen her. She is an aide for Hillary Clinton. And I guess Hillary called Huma to console her, while Anthony Weiner got a call from Bill going, 'Yeah!!!'

_________________

Weiner jokes from Monday's Tonight Show here.

Leno: Weiner Jokes

UPDATE: Anthony Weiner jokes from Friday's Tonight Show.
__________________

UPDATE: Anthony Weiner jokes from Thursday's Tonight Show.
__________________

UPDATE: Anthony Weiner jokes from Wednesday's Tonight Show.
__________________

UPDATE: More Weiner jokes from Leno.
__________________

Someone alert Jay Leno to the fact that Anthony Weiner is a DEMOCRAT.

From Leno's Monday monologue:

JAY LENO: Congressman Anthony Weiner finally spoke to the news media today. Apparently, he wanted to wait till his pants came back from the dry cleaners.

Well, to give him credit, he took full responsibility. He says, yes, that was his penis. He did send those photos.

(Audience boos)

Finally, a man taking responsibility for his own penis!

(Leno applauds)

There you go, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

I mean, with all this new media, is that considered junk e-mail or is it e-mail of your junk? There are so many terms.

I love the way... we have the economy, we have the war, but let's face it, we're all in 9th grade really.

And I love the way the media reports the story. They say this whole thing started when a lewd photo of a man's crotch was sent to one of Congressman Weiner's Twitter followers. Do they even have to say 'lewd.' I mean, are there tasteful photos of men's crotches?

I mean, it shows you how the political race has changed. Remember, it wasn't that long ago when candidates would ask each other, 'Where's the beef?' You can't ask that now.

And I love this. And the chairman of the New York Republican Party, Ed Cox, said that he will use these pictures to help defeat Anthony Weiner. So, now we have Cox versus Weiner. You know, it doesn't stop. It doesn't stop. It's awful. It's awful.

I don't think Congressman Weiner learned his lesson. Did you see him leaving the press conference? Look at the car he drives. Look, here he is leaving. Look at that. You see? Right there, right there. Dead giveaway.

Leno gets credit for beginning his monologue with this string of jokes related to Anthony Weiner.

However, not once did Leno mention that Weiner is a DEMOCRAT. Not once. Considering Leno is quick to mention the party affiliation of Republican politicians caught up in scandal, I don't believe the failure to mention that Weiner is a DEMOCRAT was unintentional.

Also, much of the material wasn't directed at Weiner and what he did. Leno took a number of general shots at the media, the public, and politics rather than being rough on Weiner's specific wrongdoing.

Furthermore, directly after the Weiner jokes, Leno launched into a lengthy series of Sarah Palin jokes, followed by jokes attacking FOX News.

More of the monologue was devoted to bashing Palin and FOX than Weiner.

When Leno's guest, Katie Couric, made her appearance, she did her usual slew of Sarah Palin insults. That gave Leno the opportunity to mock Palin again.

Even when there is a major scandal involving a DEMOCRAT with major developments in the story occurring that day, and it lends itself to comedy, Hollywood and media Leftists prefer to focus their attacks on conservatives.

Go figure.

Jimmy Fallon and Jon Stewart (Video)

Oprah Thinks She's God

JOAN RIVERS: I’m so tired of Oprah already. The woman truly thinks she's God! Today she’s at Barnes & Noble signing copies of the Bible.

David Crosby, Graham Nash, Jimmy Fallon

"Neil Young" stopped by Late Night with Jimmy Fallon again.

This time he sang Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA," with a little help from David Crosby and Graham Nash.

Great harmonies.

Here's video:



More Late Night performances by "Neil Young":

"Whip My Hair," with Bruce Springsteen

"Double Rainbow"

"Pants on the Ground"

"Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"