DEMOCRAT Anthony Weiner is still starring in Jay Leno's monologue.
Brett Favre, Eliot Spitzer, and Bill Clinton are also playing roles.
Jokes from Thursday's Tonight Show:
JAY LENO: It was so hot in Washington, everyone was sitting around in their underwear like Congressman Weiner. He finally felt at home.
Oh man, that story! Oh, please! This is the story that just won't go away. It gets worse and worse. You've probably seen this. It now seems there's a picture going around the Internet of Congressman Weiner's naked penis. And you can tell it's him because it looks just like him, you know? You know, if he was bald. I mean, you can see the resemblance.
Let me tell you how graphic this picture is. Even Brett Favre won't return his calls now. That's how bad... it's terrible.
You know, I mean, I don't understand taking... how many photos of his crotch did he take? You know, I don't have any photos of my crotch. I mean, I've got a couple of oil paintings, some sketches, sure, a couple of charcoals, but I mean, you know, I don't, really... No, it's awful.
See, I don't understand the way Washington works. Now explain this to me: We are not allowed to see bin Laden's death photo because it's too explicit; but our Congressman's penis, that's fine.
Well, the latest news is that Congressman Weiner's wife is pregnant. I'll tell you how creepy this is: When his wife first called to tell him she was pregnant, he said, 'Uh, who is this?'
Well, you know who married Weiner and his wife? Bill Clinton. In fact, Weiner called Bill Clinton and apologized. See that's when you know you have a problem, OK, when your sexual behavior has offended Bill Clinton. That's where you just go, 'OK, time to draw the line.'
Well, more and more people are now calling for Anthony Weiner to resign. But it's not all bad news. Eliot Spitzer said if Weiner does resign, he can join him on his show and they'll call it 'Weiner Spitzer.'
How many people feel he should resign?
(Audience applauds)
How many people feel he's doing a good job and this has nothing to do with his job?
(Little audience applause)
Interesting, interesting.
Now, as I said, Weiner is adamant now about not resigning. In fact, CNN caught up with him today on the streets and they talked to him. Here, take... here's the interview:
(Clip of actual CNN video, followed by video with CNN audio)
I don't want to see that member of Congress, OK? Thank you.
JAY LENO: According to TMZ, the day after First Lady Michelle Obama unveiled the new USDA guide to healthy eating, President Obama was spotted in Ohio eating two chili dogs... That's two politicians this week getting in trouble for their wieners.
What a story this is! Yesterday, Congressman Anthony Weiner, now known of course as the 'peter tweeter,' that's who he is now. Well, he held a big press conference at a hotel in New York City where he admitted to everything. Did you see him standing in front of that microphone? I think it was a microphone.
See, this is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days with Sen. Larry Craig? You had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he's in, knock on the door. Now they send it right to your house. It's fantastic!
Well, you know this was gonna happen. A second woman has come forward now, and she says she has over 200 explicit sex text messages from the married congressman. She says they're very short messages, you know, like cocktail wieners. They're the smaller...
Anyway, yesterday, Weiner said he wanted to apologize to his constituents, especially the really hot ones. He feels bad about that. But he said there were six girls in three years, but he never had sex with any of them. Six girls, three years, and no sex -- Do you know what I call that? High school. OK? That was high school. That was high school for me.
And his wife, I guess his beautiful wife, Huma, she's a beautiful woman, if you've seen her. She is an aide for Hillary Clinton. And I guess Hillary called Huma to console her, while Anthony Weiner got a call from Bill going, 'Yeah!!!'
I understand why someone listening to Obama drone on and on would fall asleep; but you'd think Joe Biden, vice president, could manage to stay awake while the president delivers an important, albeit horrible, speech.
Alas, Biden either couldn't or wouldn't remain alert as Obama spoke Wednesday afternoon.
I understand why someone listening to Obama drone on and on would fall asleep; but you'd think Joe Biden, vice president, could manage to stay awake while the president delivers an important, albeit horrible, speech.
Alas, Biden either couldn't or wouldn't remain alert as Obama spoke Wednesday afternoon.
